Pregnancy anxiety

It’s safe to say pregnancy brings on a bucketful of emotions, good and bad. Although my pregnancy journey was a positive one I couldn’t help but experience bouts of anxiety.
I don’t feel like anxiety attacks are fully understood, I came across this statement online which explained it perfectly;
Anxiety attacks don’t have to be hyperventilating and rocking back and forth, they can also be categorised by but not limited to;

- random burst of irritability
- obsessive behaviour and nit picking
- hypersensitivity
- pacing
- silence
- zoning out

It’s a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome. Which now looking back on, I’m sure every pregnant woman for the first time experiences.

For me, it was dealing with all these self proclaimed doctors / advice givers.
I had ‘advice’ (a term I will loosely use) flying at me from all directions. Everyone I came across had an opinion or piece of information to give me, whether or not I asked for it.

Don’t eat this – eat that
Don’t exercise so much
Wear these clothes instead of those
Name the baby this
Follow this piece of religious text
Make sure you read this to the baby every day
You’re not eating enough
Listen to this music- it's good for the baby

I can laugh at it now, but during my pregnancy I was so sensitive to everyone's opinions. My biggest hurdle was battling this picture I had painted in my head of what I thought the journey would be, but my pregnancy was far from glowing / nervous giggles and joyful planning ahead.
I was highly irritable 99% of the time, had a difficult time adjusting to the physical and would be so bad tempered when others tried to tell me how to act / what to do.
I guess the introvert in me wanted to be left alone, left alone to manage what I knew I could handle from the start.
I wanted to be left alone to enjoy the process by myself, that’s how I conduct myself most the time anyway; I’m the girl that favours a quiet night in 99% of the time.

I guess the point of this post is to remind ourselves of the comments we make daily.
There is a difference between constructive criticism, criticism, advice and opinions.
It’s insensitive to throw out information based on personal opinions and expect someone else to follow suit; It’s controlling and unfair.
I know so many other young mummies whom like myself have had to deal with the annoying ‘advice’ It’s rather insulting to think that people accuse you of not acting accordingly or saying your lifestyle choices are jeopardising the babies’ health.
I was extremely grateful to be in the position to grow a little human I would never have done anything to cause harm or risk the baby’s health. So it threw me countless times when I was critiqued on my diet / exercise / lifestyle.
I always encourage health, after all the better your physiology the better your psychology.
So unless you have advice that will actively help someone instead of hinder their personal progress; keep it hush hush.

The Times New York

Trusting the process

Ever felt a little uneasy about the situation you’re in? Whether we like it or not, where we are today is a direct result of the choices we have made in life. I go through a cycle of emotions regularly about my state of mind / progress in life / general status of what my purpose is. Here are three things I picked up along the way…

Have faith in the process.
It doesn’t matter what you are going through, sometimes we are presented with situations that make us question our purpose, or the direction we thought we should be taking in life. As much as we can plan events in our life we are all thrown curveballs that derail our original thought process.
Instead of throwing hands in the air and giving up, I think the best way to approach a nightmare unfolding is head on, keeping in mind the following;
- try to be logical – don’t make rash decisions or act on impulse when everything falls apart.
- try to maintain your character in a productive way and solve issues as methodically as possible. I sometimes get over emotional and start excessively thinking when I’m at wits end; usually this extra stress I create for myself don’t help the situation at all. Stay calm, remember your strength and carry on logically.
- As well as being present and thinking in the moment, try to react to situations that your future self can benefit from, short term resolutions will only lead to dead ends again. How can you flip the curve ball around to work in your favour? How can you make it a growing process to help you build character strength? Both of those will benefit your future self.

Who’s grass? How green?
Sometimes I find myself thinking, how is it not possible I haven’t achieved X Y and Z by now, and others have. What are they doing that I’m not? Who did they approach for answers on this, this and this? What help did they get? What are their secrets?


Stop right there! Who cares! Everyone struggles and everyone has a battle to fight, don’t compare yourself to them, it can bring out insecurities, envy and stress. Look a little closer to home and see your own development.
This life is not a race. This life is what we make it, we can spend days looking out the window and envying others or aspiring to be like them, when doing this we are wasting our present time and losing our inner peace.
I find I’m most happiest when I’m ignoring 99% of the world and staying in my own little bubble and progressing at my own little pace.
For instance since I’ve started writing my thoughts down in this blog, I’ve learnt how much I love sharing my musings, I love reading what others think, I love that I’m not so focused on the material aspect of blogging as much.
I’ve come to understand blogging is my process for documenting my creativity, my thoughts and a chunk of my life I can look back on;
It’s my little story, not anyone else’, so with that attitude I have eliminated room for comparisons and by magic the stress of being concerned with what others are doing or seeing them as competition has disappeared.

Work on you
I know I’ve mentioned this before, but working on yourself is paramount, just because your skills aren’t needed today doesn’t mean an opportunity wont pop up when they are needed. You have to have a positive mental attitude towards being prepared at all times for what you want in life.
Maybe today isn’t your day, maybe tomorrow isn’t but with consistent self-development your future self can benefit from being well prepared for any situation.
I don’t believe in overnight successes, I believe in being in the right place at the right time and being prepared. So do yourself the biggest favour you can and invest in yourself because from what I’ve learnt no one else will.

My little steps for self-acceptance

Self-acceptance is a process, I found it such a challenge to wake up completely satisfied with who I was, every day was and still is to an extent is work in progress.
For instance starting this blog took me two years to pick up the courage to do. I had shot content for the blog but I felt chubby, I felt ugly by societies standard and I knew if I didn't believe in the images how could I expect others to engage with it and relate to me. It didn't feel genuine as I was so dissatisfied with what I saw.
I used this feeling as a catalyst to change my attitude to self-love and started working on myself. I improved my health, my perception on self-image and by 2013 I felt ready to put myself out there.
This post is about how I learnt to love and accept who I am and how I benefit from the power of self-love and self-esteem.

Manage your inner demons.
Those voices that belittle you, the voices that tell you you're not good enough, you're not slim enough, you're not pretty enough MUST STOP.
I soon came to realise it wasn’t anyone telling me I wasn’t enough, the people around me were just happy plodding along with their own worries, the negative driving force was coming from ME. I was my own barrier, I had to change my mind-set in order to make an impact on daily happiness.
You are more important than any social limitation, 'your body size, race and sexual orientations are assets.' I heard Caira Lee say on one of the many Ted Talks I listen to.
Again; Your body, your size, your race and your sexual orientation are assets.'
Such a powerful line and super easy to say, but why is it so many of us struggle to accept and believe in this statement.
Be kind, encouraging and understanding to yourself as you are with friends and family. We tend to be our biggest critics and I feel like many of us limit ourselves relentlessly. Be your own best friend and challenge those inner demons, don’t get yourself down before you’ve even started.

What does caring about yourself really mean?
It’s not the occasional spa trip or manicure; It’s the process of daily affirmations. Make yourself number one priority, eat right, sleep right, exercise your body and your mind.
Caring for yourself is having the belief that what you are within is strong enough to shine out and contribute to bettering society, it is affirming to yourself that you ARE good enough. Admiring yourself or feeling confident isn’t to be taken in the same hand as arrogance or being self-centred. How I see it is, in order for us to positively contribute to the world we live in, we must work on ourselves before we can help others. Put yourself first, makes those improvements and then when you are ready share positivity and help others.
Being kind to yourself and nurturing those little voices in your head to encourage and build you up, make yourself strong enough to fight those fears, accept what you don't like and give yourself the power to change those negatives into positives.

Losing yourself
Find your passion, what makes your heart sing endlessly. What can you do for hours on end and feel a sense of satisfaction on completion. What fulfils you entirely. Find what it is that drives you and create it, obsess with it work on it and build your craft; be the best at what you do.
Howard Sherman said, 'do not ask what the world needs, ask what makes me come alive and do that, because what the world needs is people that have come alive'.
Satisfying that inner passion will help you realise your purpose in life. I know it sounds cheesy, but do it, focus on yourself and question all those doubts in your mind, isolate yourself enough to know what it is that really makes you happy, I’m 99% sure there is a career path out there for you that enlightens your soul and makes you happier. Even if you don’t have any intention of financially benefiting from your passion, keep it alive. I personally find it very therapeutic to devote my energy into something I love so much.

Love others
Self-love isn't just about you, it’s about embodying love entirely, it’s about uplifting those around you too. if people are doubtful around me I instinctively try to find a silver lining or help with a constructive solution. I thrive on encouraging productivity, I love to inspire others and I want to help them feel good, the same way I feel good.
After all we hear time and time again that energy is contagious. so why chose the painful route? if we can help one another a little, why hold back?
In a nutshell I think self-love self-acceptance is a full cycle of daily practises. Accept what has happened in the past, learn from it, grow from it, accept flaws and work towards a better you.
Focus less on others and more on your own trials and tribulations. The more energy you devote into bettering yourself and gaining knowledge means the less time you have to be hateful/jealous of others, or develop negative thoughts. Just remember the grass isn’t always greener on the other side; everyone has shitty days, some of us just hide it better than others.
A combination of the two above will guarantee positive vibes, I promise! And et voila practice improving yourself daily, work on self-love, self-worth and each day will feel that little bit more better.

What I learn't after losing a loved one.

There’s no handbook for how to handle life situations, we simply live and learn along the way. After recently experiencing the loss of a loved one, I’ve come to understand there’s no right or wrong way to deal with grief. No one can guide you on how to grieve. We all react to situations differently and with grief not only is your mind trying to accept the fact someone has gone, It then needs to adjust to the change and impact their absence has to your daily life.
I don’t know how to make the process less painful or pass quicker, I just have a few pointers I’ve learnt over the past month.

Some days are better than others.
I find myself more tearful and emotionally fragile on the oddest days. It can be the smallest thing that triggers a sad spell or even make me question myself and think twice about whether or not I have really accepted what happened. Some days I’m smiling, laughing and working towards a much more positive attitude. Then something at the back of my mind feels almost guilty for laughing and I go back to shutting down my emotions. This rollercoaster is the only way I know how to deal it, but I understand its normal to have good and bad days, the main thing is you are trying to adjust to the new life without the loved one.


Don't block it out.
Out of sight, out of mind, right? No, in this case grief is not like the parking ticket you can hide under paperwork. I feel like its an unavoidable thunderstorm, you just have to trawl through it and embrace the emotions as best you can.
I say this because I strongly believe that time does not heal. The saying 'time heals' is thrown around so frequently I refuse to believe it does. If I sit and think about my most painful moments, I can revisit them in an instant and they still leave me with a sharp pain/ lump in the back of my throat. The pain never left me, time didn't heal anything; time only gave me opportunities to make new memories, happy ones to replace the ones that hurt.
The new memories helped me not to focus on the pain as much. So don't think by shutting away the emotions of grief time will magically erase them. They will be lurking around as soon as you are ready to accept the loss.
The advantage we have it the luxury of time, we are still living, therefore we need to address our emotions, work through the pain and use time wisely making new memories to help our future selves.
Maybe isolate yourself to collect your thoughts, or like myself you might find solace in writing, so start a diary and write down everything you are feeling. If you feel comfortable being around more people then do just that, do whatever it takes for you to understand what it is you are going through.

Going back to normality.
What is normal when someone so close is no longer there? How do you carry on with a daily routine when so much of it was consumed by that loved one?
I don't know how apart from physically running on autopilot until you can mentally adjust to the idea of doing things without them.
Remembering the simple basics go out the window like eating, sleeping even showering.
It takes a while (depending on how close you were to the loved one) to let the mind accept what has happened and remind yourself even though you don't want to, that you physically need to continue as best as you can.
Neglecting yourself won't achieve anything or make the grieving process easier. Normality in your daily routine is essential, taking care of yourself will help give you strength to mentally accept what is going on and allow your mind to emotionally process it.


You don't have to do this alone.
I cannot be more thankful for my cultural support and my families values and beliefs. We may not see each other daily, we may not even keep in touch but through our toughest time, we were all there. Dealing with grief as a unit helped me massively.
In my case, Ive never experienced the loss of an immediate family member and I found it overwhelming to say the least. If it weren't for my support system (family and Gurps) I know I would be shutting myself off from society, resisting normality and shying away from accepting what happened.
I was overwhelmed with emotion and that's fine, thats a normal part of grieving but I didn't know what to do, I didn't know how to react, I could only communicate with those around me how I felt inside, tell them how I was hurting.
This helped release a lot of pain and also through communicating it brought the family closer, we were open about our feelings, became more compassionate and sympathetic towards one another.
I understand sometimes discussing these emotions with family can be difficult, but don't hurt in silence, speak to a partner, friend or even seek professional help.
Expressing emotion is cathartic and sharing a problem with someone who cares for you will help you deal with the situation a lot better.

What to take from one of life's most painful experiences.
As mentioned at the start of this post, we live and we learn. I've had so much time to sit with my thoughts and process what has actually happened. As much as the loss of a close one saddens me, I am also filled with an insane sense of gratitude.
I'm so very grateful for the time we had, I'm so grateful for being able to have him in my life for this long, I'm so grateful for all the memories.
My eyes well up when I type this but I'm happy to look back on our relationship and I wouldn't trade a second of it.
This loss has grounded me in terms of how I maintain my relations, has taught me the value of time and communication, It has taught me the strength of family and unity.
I can't walk away completely broken, that will benefit no-one, I smile looking back on the good times and look forward to making new memories.

My personal fitness progress

Overcoming fears.
One of my biggest fears has been putting myself out there. I have been happy to share my creativity on this blog because there is no right or wrong for style; everyone is entitled to their opinion and I’m confident enough to encounter criticism on my fashion without it phasing me.
It’s this whole writing and communicating my thoughts part that held me back. English, even though it’s my first language has never been my strong point. I’ve never excelled in creative writing or even basic grammar. I didn’t and still don’t click well with it, so I was really anxious to start writing posts, but the response I’ve had from you guys reading them has been extremely encouraging and I’m sure you can overlook the rustiness of my writing and understand what points I am trying to put across.

Releasing this set of images has been my 2nd biggest fear. We shot them about 4 months ago and you may look at them and think, what’s the big deal?
For someone that has consistently worked out for the past 3 years 3 times a week minimum without fail I was extremely disheartened by what I saw. I was expecting different results, I genuinely thought I’d have more definition; Instead I just saw chunky little legs, my usual skinny torso and a chubby face.
But again I need to remind myself that everyone has to start somewhere, the idea of ‘perfection’ doesn’t exist and is all fabricated by the media. So with that in mind, 4 months later I am posting this to have as a benchmark, things can only get better!
I'm still a fitness rookie and have many more mountains to move but for now let’s dive in to what I do know…

Why do I exercise?
So putting aside my appearance issues ( I need to practise what I preach every so often and re-read my Body Confidence write up)
I exercise for my health, I exercise for a better future. In my early 20’s there were no sirens flashing in order for me to think there was anything wrong with my lifestyle. I would eat irregular meals, skip breakfasts, binge eat junk and wouldn’t really go near vegetables or whole foods with a barge pole, my hair, nails, skin and body seemed healthy.
It was only 3 years ago when I lost weight through stress and anxiety (that’s a whole other post topic) I dropped my ‘baby fat’ rapidly. Looking back on those times it was an extremely unhealthy way to lose weight but it was all too much for me to handle.
I decided I wanted to turn things around for myself and not only feel good about my weight, feel fitter and healthier.
I invested in a personal trainer to show me the ropes. I was clueless about fitness and what exercises to do, I knew it was an area I needed schooling in. I cleaned up my diet, introduced a variety of exercises and training methods and overtime my silhouette changed from tubby to toned.
I instantly knew exercise was the key to life, (as cheesy as that sounds) Keeping healthy and fit felt imbedded into my everyday routine. Not to mention how much I enjoyed the results visually and internally. You feel fresh, revitalised and approach life with a can do attitude instead of a defeated/full of excuses lifestyle.

You are what you eat.
When you eat crap you feel like crap. What are you feeding your body? It’s essential to be fully aware of the foods we put in our bodies, I read this online and Chaka Clarke has hit the nail on the head entirely;
‘Healthy is a necessity for happiness, only when you are healthy can you be truly happy. Respect yourself, you have been given the gift of life, so why are you killing yourself?
‘’Cancer, obesity, diabetes, allergies, chronic illnesses and mental health issue etc are all exacerbated by eating and living unhealthy.
You are what you eat, natural healthy food is medicine.
If you go to the doctors complaining about having a headache, the doctor will say take an aspirin/ paracetamol and rest. Never really addressing the root cause of the problem. Lack of water, looking at the screen all day, not sleeping enough, poor diet, too much alcohol etc. Yet you didn’t get a headache for lack of aspirin…
Medicine is an industry as well as science. The human body is remarkable and is the only place we have to live. Our bodies are made up of skin, muscle, bones and organs. The organs are made off tissue and those tissues are made of cells. So in essence we are just millions of cells, but those cells die out every day and have to be replaced every day.
So how do we replace them? How do we build new cells?
Raw materials come from only one place, what we put in our mouths. If we put healthy nutritious food in our mouths we can make healthy cells.
If we put bad food in our bodies, then we have raw materials that will make inferior cells, or sick cells that make us sick. If you poison your body with toxins your body will become toxic and poisoned. You will endure illness as a result of your actions.’

Feeling a little more aware after reading that paragraph? Me too, it definitely struck a chord with my perception on food. My food policy is simple, if it come from the ground or a tree I’ll eat it, anything else no thank you. I refuse to eat a ready meal for a handful of reasons;
Where has it come from? Who made it? What is inside it? How many ingredients am I familiar with?
My mum has always made clean, wholesome, healthy meals from scratch so I literally freak when I’m presented with processed food. I need to know what I’m eating is fresh, natural and isn’t pumped with more chemicals then needs be.
Not to mention I’m extremely happy to sit and eat plain vegetables all day every day. I don’t eat based on my emotions, I like to eat to feel satisfied and energised, eating for nutrition not weight loss.

What is the end goal?
The goal is to be fit, healthy and flexible for life.
The goal is to be strong and less vulnerable to illness and injury.
The goal is to be better mentally and physically than yesterday.

A little food for thought.
And lastly, for those that have an opinion on what I show and how I dress. (Perfectly worded by Sam James)
Modesty is not the only way to be respected. I used to think I would never post ‘revealing’ pictures online because people would think I was a certain ‘kind’ of girl, it would make me less respectable.
That way of thinking was a bit of internalized misogyny, thinking the idea that girls who show off their bodies are ‘less’ then girls who cover up, but here’s the thing; someone choosing to show parts of themselves does not give anyone a free pass to throw judgment, demean them or think they don’t respect or value themselves.
I’m not saying this because I think people think this about me, I’m saying this for my old self who would think that about other girls or even my current self.
If you think less clothing = less respect, take a step back and think about why you believe in that.
If you think a post like this is an excuse for me to post pictures of my body, take a step back and think about why you believe in that.
Does it ever resonate with you that maybe someone being proud of their achievements, their hard work, their progress is a sign that they do respect themselves? That taking steps to change what they don’t feel secure about is a respectable choice to make? That sharing their journey takes a level of confidence that may have only been gained through acceptance of themselves?
I sat on this post for four months and only now am I willing to accept it. So before judgment is passed, please consider my reasons, respect my journey and learn with me.

Outfit – Bra/Nike Leggings/Nike Hoodie/Nike Trainers/Nike